On Being Wildly Successful, Incredibly Good-Looking, and Good at Throwing a Football

I just got 51.20 fantasy football points. And this goat.

Udall Motivates Team

Coach Udall motivates his football team, "Todd Freebone," the greatest hockey team in the world.

BOISE--Tired of weeks of losing, Coach Udall of the so-called "Todd Freebone" fantasy team, prepared a passionate pre-game speech for his players on Sunday.

"I thought maybe we were losing focus a little," Udall explained, "so I stayed up all Saturday night, trying to think of the right words to really remind the guys what's important."

The speech was captured on film and obtained by the Associated Press and can be seen above. In it, Udall tells his players they were "born to be hockey players." Some viewed this as a veiled insult aimed at his major disappointment: Stephen Jackson.

"To be honest," said quarterback and team captain Brett Favre, "it was a little confusing. He kept talking about hockey and the Soviet Union. It was almost like he didn't know where he was."

"Also," Favre added, "I swear I've heard what he said somewhere before."

"Nonsense," Udall answered. "Those were my own thoughts, and I resent the implication."

In any case, the effort seems to have backfired, as his team went out and posted their worst numbers of the season, falling easily to the mighty Spam Forwarders, greatest team in the history of professional sports.

Associated Press

On Winning: A Counterpoint to 'On Losing,' in the First Person"

Dear self, and those interested in my personal reflections,

As I look back and try to figure out whether it was a good idea to smash an empty Yoo-Hoo bottle over my pastor's head and shriek my name in his face for suggesting that speaking in the third person was indeed juvenile, and that 4-0 does not equal perfection, I wonder whether it was all worth it, losing my Yoo-Hoo sponsorship royalties and privileges just to prove a point to the congregation.  I can't help but think and feel deep down that maybe the good pastor was right: that referring to myself as Chaka Khan right up in people's grills while wagging my finger could in fact be childish, and that although I am perfect on the Fantasy Gridiron, maybe I'm not perfect as a human being; or even as the queen of funk and soul.  These notions now leave me in deep thought, questioning, wearing only my bra while engulfed in a blue aura.

I ask myself.  What does it really mean to be perfect?  Even though it appears that I may be the only perfect person -- if there is such thing -- are there others?  Am I only perfect because Amanda Bennett, Snotbubbles, and The Dozers each collectively laid an egg?  Can The Dozers continue to overhaul their entire roster on a weekly basis and form any sort of team chemistry?  Because Bartolo Gigante has scored 14 more points than me, does that make him 3-4 points more perfect than me on a weekly basis?  Does Whitney Houston sing every single one of my songs better than I do?  Would I have won any Grammy's performing under my birth name Yvette?  Is it possible for me to have bastard children considering there are years of my life I have no memory of?  Is Crosby a monster?

Thank you.

Chaka Khan

On Losing: A Personal Essay

By Matt Crosby

The great thing about having composition teachers like Professor Snotbubbles in your fantasy league is that they remind you what's really important: things like the personal "I" and letting your own inner light shine for the world. Thank you, Greg. Here goes nothing.

As I sat in front of my parents' computer screen in Salt Lake City--the sounds of children's raucous play all around me and the smells of mom's Navajo Tacos filling the air--I watched Dave's last minute San Francisco Team Defense pick-up score 39 points. It filled me with many interesting personal questions.

Will Tony Romo ever throw another touchdown pass? Is Santonio Holmes mildly retarded? Was Patriots Team Defense the worst pick I've ever made in a fantasy draft? What does it mean, really, this personal journey through another season of fantasy football? What does it mean to coach? What does it mean to be two-and-two? What does it mean to lose? Is losing really just the ultimate form of winning? Is death that which gives meaning to life? Am I a monster?

Okay, sorry Greg. I gave it my best shot. I'm going back to writing third person news stories.

A slight detail overlooked

In my hastinessification, I forgot to add visual representativituinosity to my post. Let Snotbubbles bring joy to the masses.

Ban the Third Person

Snotbubbles is both disgustipated and slightly amusified by the overusery of the third person when reporting the weekly goings-on around the league. Is it even possible to use "Chaka Khan" more times in one article than did Chaka Khan (hereafter referred to as "Caka Spahn) in its article? Snotbubbles (in his magnamitudinal generontosity) will comply, nonetheless, and bring Snotbubbles' thoughts to the table. No gimmickery, no rhetoricalissitude. Just plain Englishical Languagery.

A sadified week is was for these Snotbubbles, these scourged yet resilient power packets of mucous, these transluscent green domes of explosive power, these spawning grounds for the heralded snot-rockets. It appears that one week of underacheivery will not a season make, and Snotbubbles is certain that one day, Houshmandzadehnteit (bless his holy name and peace be upon him) will rise with great vengeance and furious anger against Caka Spahn. It has been written. Week 12. Watch out Caka Spahn.

Snotbubbles will now return to a normal level of humbilitizing and wish luck to all those revelizing in his momentary, week 3 setback. The Brees will blow again with force, metaphorizing in multiple, conflicting layers of Snotbubbilitude. And Snotbubbles will not step down to the insulting level that "McNair's Mistress" has already achieved with its blatant disrespect for our fallen brother.

And someday, Someday Fast Willie Parker will rise up in all his glory, hamstringititis and turfity toeyness be damned!

Chaka Khan to the rest of the league -- "We win baby, Chaka Khan doesn't discriminate."

From a hall of fame music career to fantasy sports ownership, it's clear that Chaka Khan's mouth with remain wide open.  Recent comments by Matt Crosby -- owner and coach of the Spam Forwarders -- have quote, "lit a fire," under Chaka Khan's ass.

"That's right, he's gone and lit a fire right under my ass sayin what he said."

These were the words of Chaka Khan after reading quotes from Matt Crosby, who claims to have lost on purpose to Amanda Bennett's team out of the goodness of his heart.  At first glance they seem harmless, but to a Chaka Khan team heading into a match-up of undefeateds against Bennett, Crosby's remarks were not too welcome.  The interview was surreal, and the feeling was something a reporter might experience when interviewing a pulverizing figure like Mike Tyson, never knowing what to expect.  Once we arrived at the Chaka Khan estate we were allowed no further than the front lawn, as Chaka Khan's superstitions had her yelling from her second floor bathroom window.

"Don't you walk any further!  We're 3-0 baby and I won't have you walking up into my house and messin up my groove."

Needless to say, the interview proceeded with reporters on the front lawn and Chaka Khan answering questions from the bathroom window.   At times during the chaotic interview, Chaka Khan appeared to be so far beside herself due to Crosby's remarks that she became somewhat nonsensical.

"Listen, when I see a door I'm goin through it first not thinkin about anybody but Chaka Khan.  Get that chivalry out of my face!  Get it out of my face!  We win baby, Chaka Khan!"

When asked about the teams close game with the lowly Dozers, and whether or not the team underperformed, Chaka Khan was dismissive, and continued to steer the interview back toward Matt Crosby and the Spam Forwarders.

"Caught The Dozers dozin, that's what.  Why try your hardest when you don't have to, and that's all I have to say about that.  And you can go tell that Crosby that I'll forward some spam right up in his chivalric face!  Man, woman, transexual, we win baby, Chaka Khan doesn't discriminate."

When asked about the team's performance against Snotbubbles III, Chaka Khan didn't hesitate.

"You saw what happened, no need to ask about it.  Snotbubbles just got his nose wiped, that's what."

The interview spiraled from there into more nonsensical jabs at Crosby, The Spam Forwarders, and their chivalry, before Chaka Khan unexpectedly cried out, "Chaka Khan!  We just win baby!" and then slammed the window shut.

However chaotic, however misguided or misunderstood, Chaka Khan has sent a message to the league.  And while other teams may toil away, victims of their own moral values, all Chaka Khan will do is continue to win.

Chaka Khan!

Dozering Over The Competition, One Set of Steak Knives at a Time

BOISE-- This probably goes without saying, but MuffMan1977 has a lot to say about ethics.

A member of the Fantasy Football Alliance, Amanda 3-0 Bennet(t) recently received a text message asking if she would be interested in acquiring TE Antonio Gates for TE Kellen Winslow. 3-0, knowing MuffMan to be wily, began to investigate. When asked about MuffMan's character, an anonymous writer said, "I don't know him very well. I would say he was forgetful more than anything. He was always leaving work on the printer."

Muffman, upon being asked about his interest in Winslow, said, "I'm doing you a favor by offering a favor. You have no tight ends."

Muffman, bestower of favors, Muffman, most benevolent of them all.


Off the record, MuffMan had more to say."Plus," he added, " "Kellen fills out his uniform nicely."








Why was Muffman so concerned about his tight end? Wasn't he more concerned about the whereabouts of NumberThreePick Darren Sproles? After some waterboarding, some interesting new information came to light. "I don't want [Winslow]. I can't cut gates. I need someone I can cut."

Muffman, shepherd of 3-0's hopes, dreams and fantasy football aspirations, cannot (incidentally. INCIDENTALLY) cut Antonio Gates. 3-0 pointed out, quite rightly, that Muffman apparently did have something to gain from the situation. Muffman responded, "We're helping each other, which is the point of a trade. Win win. It's fine, I'll keep Gates, you keep Winslow."

3-0, sensing a crisis situation, tried to assauge Muffman by telling him to propose the trade anyway. "Too late," he texted. "Winslow will be good for you." See also: "I gave you a chance. you tried to spin it so that you were doing me a favor for giving you a good tight end for your really bad tight end." Notice Muffman turning on dreamboat Kellen Winslow and on his friend and protectee, 3-0.

This, from the very same person who claimed that using any sort of handout with projected fantasy statistics is cheating. In fact, The Muffman argued that using projected stats (and perhaps the internet in general?) is "essentially the same thing"as using a word engine in online scrabble.

How will this situation play out? To be determined. According to Muffman, "There are eight other managers, someone else will want him." Alas, will these cheaters want him? What if these cheaters all refused to trade for Gates, thus destining him Muffman's tightend forever?

And what about 3-0? She feared Muffman would be icy forever.

But of course, there's always more snake oil to sell.

"Do you have any running backs you are willing to trade for Antonio Gates?" -Muffman, circa five minutes ago.

Matt Crosby is a Gentleman

Matt Crosby, a very classy fellow, speaks to reporters after Monday's game.

BOISE--In a truly magnanimous act, Coach Matt Crosby of the Spam Forwarders--one of the most storied programs in BSU MFA league history--took the unprecedented step this week of sitting all of his good players and leaving in only those who were least likely to produce any points. This was, he explained, because his opponent, Amanda Bennet, was a woman.

"Call me old-fashioned," said Crosby, "but there are more important things than winning."

Crosby's commitment to old school class was best exemplified by his decision to start Frank Gore and Santonio Holmes, two of the biggest donkeys ever to put on football helmets, who managed to combine for a whopping 2.2 points, and thus ensure the Spammers defeat.

"I was particularly pleased with Holmes' performance," said Crosby. "I mean, he's averaged like 14 points the last two weeks, so you might think it would be hard for him to tone it down, but I just pulled him aside in the locker room and said, 'Antonio, go out there and stick your head as far up your own ass as you possibly can. The further the better.' And he really came through for us."

Meanwhile, literally every player on Crosby's bench scored over ten.

"Look," Crosby explained, "when I'm setting my lineup, I'm not just thinking about the game. I'm thinking about all those kids out there watching, looking to me as a role model."

He added, "I'm trying to bring some dignity and sportsmanship to this league. If that means I lose every game, so be it. I have to go home and look my kids in the eyes, you know?"

Commentators were quick to point out the deep ramifications of Crosby's chivalry, since Amanda's well known fragile constitution probably couldn't have handled a loss. No word on whether other teams plan to follow suit when facing Bennet.

Associated Press